Emotional Responsibility

Because I love my MM I am emotionaly responsible to him. I feel happy when he is happy, we celebrate! I listen and comfort him when he feels depressed. I am his cheerleader when he feels like giving up. I encourage him to pursue his interests. I find a solution for his problems when he cannot and, if not the least, I fulfill his sexual needs.

I do this selflessly. I make sure he knows I love him.

But do I expect the same things when I NEED them? YES! – I am a mistress but it does not mean I don’t have feelings and it does not mean that he is not emotionaly responsible to me.

In our relationship our usual issue, which has been a cause of our breakups, was his inability to acknowledge my emotional needs. I do not ask anything from him except for him to show his love and care whenever I need it most. Is it too much to ask?

At this point of our relationship I admit that I am insecure and I need an assurance from him, always!

Published in: on September 12, 2007 at 6:15 pm  Comments (16)  

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  1. i can relate to what you have posted…especially the last part. My MM and I would always have a misunderstanding everytime I would ask him to give me an assurance that he loves me. He would alsways tell me that the fact that he is with me or that he still gets in touch with me everyday should be enough assurance for me to know that he loves me…but what my MM could not understand is that, it’s not about the time that he is with me or he is giving me, it’s about the sensation of actually hearing it when he tells me. I understand that my MM has a lot of things on his mind, and I try my best not to be another “issue” to think about, but sometimes – i do admit – sometimes…i wish he could stop focusing on the things that he has done or given up just to be with me for the time being and start realizing that I too have given up – maybe even more just so I could have a moment with him. It sometimes break my heart when I think of all the times that he needed me whether emotionally or physically and I would always be there for him but sometimes (once in a blue moon, when it’s my turn to lean on him, to need him, I can’t call out to him, because he has a lot of things on his mind…and I can’t be another “issue” for him to think about…

  2. my heart goes out to you, patricia. i have the same “issues” with my MM. i want to be reassured, i want the words to come from his lips, that he indeed he loves me. would that be too much to ask of them? i believe that when a man enters a woman’s life, he is in fact giving her the right to ask questions. And we deserve honest answers, yes? furthernore, feelings, unverbalized, can be destructive. though we love them, so much even, we still can’t always read their minds.

    ~the sky isn’t really the same when you see it alone.

  3. update on emotional responsibility after I’ve written it.

    – this month is a very difficult month for us because of this emotional responsibility issue. MM still fails to acknowledge, I continue to demand, we became distant. It hurts me so much because now our relationship is not as happy as it used to be. Now I do things he does not like as a result of his not fulfilling his emotional responsibility to me. Just last night through text message he said “…its time to end this. I do not want your insecurities, your jealousy, your making assurance my responsibility/obligation…”. Is it my fault? Am I too demanding? Did I make a big issue out of this? Knowing how him, should I have tried a different approach in making him understand my what I’m feeling? Is it too late to analyze and ask these questions?

    The damage has been done to our relationship and last night MM wanted to meet with me after he said “its time to end this”. I refused because I know we are both angry and maybe unreasonable so our meeting will just lead to our break up instead of resolving our problem. Whether I want a breakup or not is a different topic but I surely don’t want to talk to him last night or even for a couple of weeks.

    best luck to me and this time my favorite line is dedicated to me.

    “I wish you love”

    Lady Mistress

  4. Dear Lady M,

    I have been following your blog for awhile now and understand how you feel.Or at least I try to.No one chooses who they fall for,and if possible we all want to fall for someone who can be there for us all the time.Cheating men/women are always condemned but I think people forget that some affairs are unplanned.It involves feelings.
    I fell for someone who was engaged to be married and he is married now just recently.Few years ago we were both single but somehow things didn’t happen at that time.For reasons unknown it is only now that things happened between us,after he was engaged to be married.I do not want him to choose me over the wife for I know she must have felt pain too if she knows.Sometimes I question what Fate wants to do to me.It hurts to love someone and not being able to be free in the love that you have for that person.
    Sometimes I wonder if he does love me.He is careful not to say it because he says he does not want me to hope.At the moment I honestly am trying to find someone else because I think that’s the best thing to do.I do want him to be happily married although it hurts to know it is not with me 😦

  5. without telling you what to do and being very sensitive to your issue, i would suggest that yes you let yourself cool off a bit before meeting with him discussing what needs to be discussed.maybe he does want it to end or maybe he doesn’t.maybe yes the demands which you are putting on him are ones he can’t fulfil esp because of the nature of the relationship.But at the end of the day – you do have to talk, either to end it or try fix it.I believe in closure- now more than ever-cos letting things just hang doesnt help anyone.

    if i am not prying, may I ask what he means when he mentions insecurities and jealousies?

    all in all though- do ask yourself what it is you want?

  6. seems as though we all go through this from time to time. I haven’t written in a bit and am sorry that i have to read about your sadness.

    i have taken an entirely different approach to my affair (which I am not sure can really be called an affair at this point)… my guy never was good at communicating. he’s quiet and guarded. he wasn’t at first but after the first time we slept together he through his brick wall up as quick as he could.

    when he disappears (which can be for weeks at a time) … i leave it be. i refuse to chase him or make him think he should be with me. afterall, we are their lovers, their friends… and i truly believe, ladies, that most won’t leave the comfort of their lives. i do think that given the appropriate amount of space that they will think about what they are missing with you (us) but if cornered they will run faster than they ran to you in the first place.

    it’s a hard road. a lot of wondering why… not me? what have i done.

    my brother is having an affair. he has been for years. he even left his wife and moved out a few years back. then he moved back in and had another baby. he’s still off and on with the mistress. he told me something last week that really shed some light on things. if a man has had an affair before and he ended up getting hurt (this can mean, got caught, couldn’t leave because of his family, whatever) the next time around they guard their hearts. we women aren’t nearly as skilled at this but they can do it. at the FIRST sign of neediness they retreat back into the safety of their own homes…. the homes we don’t live in.

    as a married woman who has had affairs i now know that i cannot keep all of it separate. i flew to nyc last august and spent two terrific days with my mm. i haven’t heard his voice since. nothing went badly. nothing was stressful… but it was different.. in an intimate way – as if a line had been crossed between having good sex and uh oh, my feelings are getting involved here. it pisses me off but then i remember my place. i am his friend. i am his lover. i am NOT his wife so i can not expect to be treated as one. since i am a wife i think i expect to be treated like one in every male/female relationship i encounter… but he already has one…

    i finally called him on his birthday during a busy time when i knew he’d be at lunch. i left him a light hearted sing-songy message saying i hoped his day was going great… everything was going amazingly well at home… that i was really happy… and that i would call him next time i came to ny. then i said, actually, that isn’t true because i am probably coming next month but i won’t be able to contact you when i come… so i will see you in february. maybe we can get together for a glass of wine.

    i didn’t hear anything and i felt pretty darn proud of myself for leaving it (and somewhat ending it). that evening he txt’d me “you were right. it is my birthday. many thanks for the message. when is your b-day?” i chose not to respond.

    friday night i was sleeping on the couch (that’s where i sleep) and my phone vibrated. a txt from him…
    “miss you” i wrote back “i miss you too”

    and so it goes…

    love yourselves girls. more importantly, respect yourselves and they will respect you too. xo

  7. I told myself when i got involved with my mm that i wasn’t going to attach myself emotionally. But you know sometimes its easier said then done.
    Theres was a point that i was so entranced by this guy i couldnt stop thinking about him. He was on my mind constantly.

    But he also retreated physically/mentally somewhat and so did i. but it was better for me in the long run cause i didnt want an emotional attachment to him. I still communicate with him and i see him on occassion. but i know he also doesnt want to feel emotionally commited to me as well… he is married and his emotional commitment is to his wife not me. We are definately close friends and feel very comfortable around each other.

    When i dont get to physically see him he calls me and tells me that he has dreams about me and misses me a lot plus he cant stop thinking about me. It makes me feel good to know that i am wanted.

    This whole situation can be draining but you have to know your boundries. maybe thats the hard part believe me i am still trying to figure this whole thing out.

    It saddens me to hear some of your stories. but i can also relate.I hope things work out for the better…

  8. My MM and I were suppose to spend last night together. But just as expected, something came up and he had to leave unexpectedly. Yes….I got hurt, I felt sad simply because of the fact that he has promised me last night that he would be with me….and I expected…and therefore I got disappointed. I know that the number one rule in being a mistress is not to expect anything to avoid being disappointed and getting hurt in the process…but sometimes,because I have managed to get myself emotionally involved in this relationship so much….I couldn’t help but expect. I didn’t have plans of telling him to stay…One thing I have learned from the past, is to never ask him to stay when he wants to go or need to go…it’s just a lot simpler if you follow that rule, I guess all I just wanted to hear him say last night was that he was sorry because he couldn’t stay. And that he was sorry for another broken promise. But I never got an apology. As a matter of fact all I got were a bunch of defensive answers and lines such as: “Are we always like this when I’m about to go?” and “Can’t we just let it be and just let it go?”. I don’t demand from him, I have learned to stop demanding when I have finally accepted the fact that I was just a mistress. And the only reason why I was waiting for him to say sorry, was because I wanted him to let me know that he is also disappointed, that he too felt sad that we couldn’t be together last night. I just wanted him to show me some compassion for the pain that I was feeling.

    I never got any apology. I never got any explanation. All i got was a cold stare from him as I was telling him last night my point of view. He didn’t even took the time to say goodbye to me properly. He got dressed.And walked out of my house.

    Sometimes, I feel bad about episodes such as this. Simply because of the fact that it makes me think that maybe I really am not that important to my MM. Maybe my MM knows how much I truly love him that he no longer values that love, because he knows that whatever happens, no matter how bad he treats me…I would still be waiting for him with open arms to love him unconditionally. Because deep down in my twisted, sick mind – I am still grateful for the fact that he still gives me that time of day to feel that I am loved. I guess I have placed him in a pedestal that not even my love could reach him.

    Why is it that I feel as if, the more I love him, the more he kills me inside. It’s as if he has become this emotional vampire that has sucked the life and love out of me. I think I have lost myself. I can no longer think clearly. I don’t think I value myself enough, that is why this man who claims to love me with all of his heart, can treat me in such a crude way…I just want to be loved – is that too much to ask for?

    My MM loves to sing to me. He even has as a song for me: You and I, is the tile of the song and there is a line in that song that speaks the truth to me:

    All the love we had
    I should’ve known our love was older than the past
    Throwing my life away on songs I never heard
    Just the speaking of a special word
    I made you die inside but you loved me

    Yes…he is indeed killing me little my little. He’s love, his presence…everything about him….

  9. Dear Patricia,

    i understand how it feels as i myself am extremely emotional person.

    My case is a little different..how…well he is committed but does not knows when we can get into the Legal Agreement to give me a status of Wife as i have told you in my previous posts the consequences for marrying me would be effecting an innocent child.

    during my initial period of the current role there were times when i was naive enough to feel all my rights on him and there were moments i would beg him with tears in my eyes to stay with me that i need him but he had to go … had to leave me crying all alone for he had to go to his wife. all i would hear from him was do not open another “Front” (nice synonym to Issue 🙂 ) for me. this is how i gradually understood my position. took me time to absorb it all. still sometimes i cant take it.

    As I have left my country for him and now for past almost 2yrs am in a new place, i hardly have any friends here and i do not even try to make friends…why….well i know i cant tell about my situation to anyone without the person calling me either bad or stupid. which makes me leave alone with him…my whole world revolves around him and i love him more than i could ever love myself. yes i have learnt about unconditional love with him. i have learnt about just giving everything and asking for as less as possible

    there were many promises made and broken. i used to feel neglected and felt so lonely. then a time came when i learnt the mistress rule that be prepared for last minute changes and i would never take any promise seriously.

    i have learnt many mistress rules the hard way, i wish i had visited this page earlier but i in my fantasy world always thought myself to be his wife but without legal agreement, but i have come face to face with the reality that i am NOT his wife.

    i have learnt the rule that she comes first no matter how many times he says you are equal to her, i am Not and i should not take it seriously as it ends up in hurting me when i am not treated the same way.

    i am not complaining about him as i know he does the best possible in his capacity because he really does love me but this is the difference that for me his love has limited capacity and has to be in certain limits with precautions.

    i want to get rid of the guilt and i want to have a religiously approved bond. and IT IS too much that i am asking for and i should try and forget about it..the sooner the better

    But i am insecure. i need assurance. he is the first man in my life and i wish him to be the last.

    love to you all

  10. Clueless, first you need to love yourself unconditionally before you can love someone else. Everything begins and ends with you- if you value yourself & love yourself then you would have a whole lot more to give to another for the concept of “treat others as you treat yourself” would be manifested… Love you-appreciate you…and all things will fall into place.

  11. Dear Mel, love him more than myself is a figure of speech to express that i will put his happiness before mine and that i sure will.

    “treat others as you would like to be treated” fits better here.


  12. well i need to give a current update on my situation with my mm. I called him yesterday morning and our conversation took a detour…I was given the bad news that he had another mistress besides me and he had been with her the same amount of time as he had been with me (6 months).
    But this isn’t the bad news heres where it gets interesting…. she’s supposedly pregnant!!!! wow i couldn’t believe it. i pretty much was stunned and speechless on the phone. This other women had called his wifes phone to tell her the news but he picked up the phone and changed his voice to sound like a girl. thats when she said she was pregnant and he then changed his voice and said what you say and she hung up.

    He text me about an hour later to find out “how i felt”
    well i down played it…but i am pretty sad about it.I am still talking/texting him. but i don’t know if i should continue to see him. A part of me really doesn’t want to abandon him but another part of me wishes i could just slap him in the face.

    I guess one mistress wasnt enough!!! please give me some feedback if any of you have gone through something similar…

    thanks nena chula

  13. Nenchula,that sounds quiet hectic.I’ve never been in the situation but I think if I were I’d be quiet broken about it.If she really is pregnant,then that would imply that there’s chances that he wasnt using or rather they were nt using protection. Besides wanttin to slap him,how do you feel about the relationship now?can you still trust him?

    personally if it were me, I would cut ties as far as a romantic relationship was concerned and would possibly jst maybe consider a purely plutonic relationship,all based on the fact that this is someone you love&if it’s genuine love it doesnt suddenly stop. That’s my two cents worth hope it made sense.

    be strong gal!


  15. i seem to have a very different relationship with my married man. i am single well, technically i see who i want when i want but i am his mistress we were friends for a year b4 i became his mistress which i was hesitant to do because of the morals i used to pretend that i had, i do not love him as in in love with him but i do care for him and want and need him bout our relationship is based on a strong friendship, and yes respect is the most important thing to have. i sometimes do not get the reasurance i need for my little insecuritys but i do feel he respects me. its a friendship where we have great sex, i am soon to become a kept mistress and im a little scared an excited bout what this is going to bring. as i will be so much more tied to him. would love to chat to others in similar situations ? xxx

  16. there is nothing “selfless” in anything any of us do – stop kidding yourselves – at least TRY to gain insight into why you have entered into a “relationhip” like this at all – not every woman would do that…there is something motivating it – whether it be fear, lack of self esteem…I dunno? But when you try to disguise your motivations as selfless you are just digging a deeper hole for yourself. Know yourself and your motivations – and aim for more, surely you are worth a “real” relationship where you can go out in public, get ,married, have each other on the special occassions, build a home and family together?????? No guy is worth selling out on yourself and what you REALLY want in a relationship – but only YOU can make the choices needed to have a better life/relationship.

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