Where is my next destination?

My heart! –

I don’t want to be hypocrite and pretend I am not hurting, I am! I am hurting. I knew from the start that we were bound to end sooner or later, in our case 3 happy years later. However, I am still having difficulty moving on because there are a lot of questions left unanswered and there are a lot of feelings left unresolved. Knowing me I need answers, I need resolutions! I need it bad!

I must admit that I still love him and how’d I wish I stayed within my boundaries of just loving him and not loving him too much. I should have taken his advise of loving him less and loving my self more.. well sometimes (most of the time) I am stubborn. Like right now, I know that I would benefit more from our separation and that it is for my own good more than his BUT I refuse to see that that I’ve compromised my love of self. At this point I asked my self ‘Why?’ and my heart tells me only 2 reasons ‘1) I love him and 2) I don’t want to see his family, his friends and other woman getting hurt (more or less) like I am now’.

The three years that we’ve been together were so beautiful and I want it to stay that way in my heart and mind. This is why I must be strong before he treats me any worst. I would rather be remembered badly for loving too much than hurting the person I love.

He said this once to me and I will say it back to him “thank you for loving me, wanting me and making me feel happy!”

My heart is my next destination.

Published in: on November 19, 2007 at 5:18 pm  Comments (14)  

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14 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. love

  2. hi

  3. hi there,
    I do really appreciate your feelings high.I felt the same feeling. As I was reading the article ( piece of art) I felt as someone wrote about me.I almost wept.but what can we do? we have to accept our fate and wait might something become OK. There might be a light at the end of the trench.
    My e mail is crown_s14@yahoo.com
    Best love

  4. i know how ur feeling ryt now… im in the same situation,, and it hurts sooooo bad… i dont even know how to explain what im feeling… all i know is im sooo helpless…

  5. I am also feeling the pain and sadness with break up. But i am the one who caused it. He had told me he wouldnt post pics on line.So my pics of us remained hidden.then i saw a picture of him and another women. i became jealous over a picture. i sent him a text and ended everything. i feel terrible inside. I can’t stop thinking about him. i havent been able to sleep. he is constantly on my mind. i hate feeling so vulnerable. but this time its over. but i question myself did i fly off the handle unnecessarily? or was i justified in my thought process. Am i going to regret not seeing him or was this for the best? I’m so sad right now!!!

  6. I am sad for you..it’s not easy..you are not alone {{hugs}}

  7. Really makes you think, doesn’t it?

  8. when we know that the end is so difficult, when we all know that such a sad and painful ending can not be avoided then why cant we stop it before it comes, why not end it in a good way…..i wish so many times and decide but i just cant…why do we wait for such sorrows and lonely nights when we are alone even now…

    this is the unsolved mystery of being a mistress which i am trying to understand…..thinking every minute that the glass will break now but still cant prepare myself for it…. i wish i could, i wish i knew the answers……


  9. I too have had to face the sad music of the loss of a love that could have been with my “Forever Man.” But, in reality he couldn’t be, he belongs to another. He has no plans to leave her. I knew that. I asked what I should do on this site before I allowed it to progress? No one offered an answer. If I should run from what most certainly would have to end eventually anyway? Should I allow my heart, body, and soul to be captured by one that can’t ever return the same gifts? No reply came. I believe there is no answer to give. It is a choice to go into forbidden territory. It is a choice to take a bite out of the forbidden fruit. And there are going to be consequences to our actions. No one can tell you not to go somewhere you must surely know is a dead end road. Yes, the signs are there. But, it is up to the individual to determine there destiny. Those that have gone before us can say, “Hey, it won’t work. I tried it, and it leads no where.” How many do you think will take someones own experience and say,” Well, I won’t even try that then?” You may think to yourself, yes, that happened to you, but I think I can handle it. You may say I have already looked down that road a little way and it doesn’t seem to be as bad as others have said. But the truth is, there will be times of deep pain, moments of pure bliss, feeling of rejection, and abandonment, and areas of a loneliness unlike any other. Do I regret having known this type of love? No, not really. It is very satisfying to feel loved. But, a worse emotion is invoked by having a carrot dangling in front of you, and know that you may be able to smell it, see it’s tastiness, even get to touch it now and again with your tongue, but you will never reach a point where you can actually get it off of that stick and have it for yourself. I am glad I did not go so far that I am utterly devastated. Not to say that my heart did not ache, nor tears did not pour as if great cloud had burst when the end came. But I think what makes it more bearable is that “I” decided it should end. “I” took the power back for my own future. “I” did not leave it in the hands of one that does not have MY best interest at heart. So, maybe this will help someone that has the questions I had. That many have. I believe if you have to ask the question” Should you or shouldn’t you”? You already know the answer. If something within you is questioning a situation, it is your self preservation trying to save you. Should you listen to it? Probably. Will you? You decide that. Peace and love is wished to all.

  10. To love is wonderful. To be loved is wonderful. To be lied to is horrible. To wait for a man that is not going to be honest with himself, his wife and you is terrible. I have been there … I would do it again if I felt it was right. even tho, most say it’s wrong. Love is right, cheating is wrong …

  11. very interesting, but I don’t agree with you

  12. such wise words Karen.
    Life is about making choices… make the best choice for self.if you feel that choice is to go ahead – then go ahead- if that choice is not to go ahead – then dont. but once the decision is made be ready or rather know that you will deal with the consequences. Good and bad are relative, just as life isnt black or white – ther’s also the grey area…each and every situations grooms us in someway- we re-learn something about who we are or are not… take the lesson, take the experience and just run with that. But know that, there is no person who cant live without another person, we all can live without – the question is do you want to?
    you can tell your heart something is over, convince your mind and with time – it will be over!!

    With Love to you all.

  13. We are in the same boat now. It’s easier said than done that we shouldn’t love anyone more than we love ourselves. But once we put a restrain or limit the amount of care and attention we give a person, in this case our married men, then it isn’t love after all. When it’s over, there’s not much difference than when we were with them – we are still alone. Only this time we know that it can only get worse – the separation, the denial, the unanswered questions, wishful thinking and all. Lady Mistress, I too want resolutions if only to lessen this crippling pain I am in right now. But most of us will never have it. We never had it before when their strong arms were wrapped around us, we will never have it now that we have come to end of our road. We have compromised a lot of things for the men who have to get home to kids and wives at daybreak. We think we cannot cope with the loneliness, not when we get so used to being with our MMs. But all these emotions will purify us, one day. I do not know when but I am quite sure it will come. Not so dramatic and picturesque as in the movies, but it will come. Take heart, we are heroines. We may be the saddest people on earth, but we definitely are the ones most capable of loving.

  14. im from asia, a little spot on the world map, Singapore. Trying very hard to stop myself from “loving” that mm..coz he will only used me for his own benefits, knowing that but im still thinking of him.. its so silly of me

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